The dark side of my soul
by aice83
Summary: I pushed a door open, the entrance to the dark side of my soul. And what I saw behind it made me shiver. Can I lock this door once more for ever?


**The dark sid****e of my soul**

**by**

**Francoise**

**Autor´s ****Note:**

**We know about Oscar´s feelings after the incident in ep. 28 from several FF´s. But what about ****Andre´s thoughts?**

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_klack_

The door was clicked shut. And left an emotional chaos on both sides. André leaned mutely against the filigrane oak door which marked the entrance to Oscar´ s realm. His head felt empty, all thoughts seemed blown away.

_What had happened a moment ago?_

He breathed deeply and started moving almost mechanically. His legs seemed to carry him outside and that was also quite right for him. He wanted to put as much distance as possible between himself and this door.

In the entrance hall his grandmother came his way. Akimbo she launched into a question as he stormed out of the house. He had to go out!

_H__ow could he look her in the eyes with a clear conscience now? After what had happened just then?_

When he reached the stable, his only refuge, he stopped briefly. He looked around for the water barrel which was used to supply the animals with fresh water. Wordlessly he dipped his head into the fresh, cold water. The cold hit him and dispelled the fog that covered his mind. And with his thoughts the painful memories returned.

For a while, he viewed his own reflection in the water with increasing abhorrence.

Then he turned about, slumped down onto the bales of straw and covered his head with his hands.

_Oh my god, what had happened there just now? _

_How did it happen_

_Hadn´t I just gone __to Oscar to bring her the tea from my grandma? _

But then ... she was sitting in front of her piano, just like the entire evening, playing just that one song again and again. Like obsessed.

_What´s wrong with you__ Oscar?_

_Can´t you bear the break from__ Fersen?_

_Is that the reason__ why you´re pounding upon the piano keys?_

_Do you still love __him?_

_Knowing too well that this love can never be fulfilled_

_Oh I grant you this feeling, __the pain and sorrow, as if you were inwardly ripped open._

_As if you beca__me mad._

_Now you can __finally understand how I feel._

With that thought, I contently leaned back at the chimney and watched her.

But as she finally stood up and walked towards her bedroom, her words incensed me in a cold rage.

_What does it mean, I needn´t accompany you any__more?_

_You drop me like an old coat?_

_How can you thrust me so selfish away from you?_

_Don´t you know that I would do anything __for you? That I want to follow you wherever you go and if I must, even into hell itself. _

_You are everything to__ me, my light, my life!_

_What should I do without you?_

_Did you at any moment think about me when you made__ your decision?_

No, you´re closed as always. Oh, how I hated your cold stare at that very moment! However I attempted to control my rage and despair. But as you slapped me I lost my self-control.

_Not this way Oscar!_

_You want to be a man?_

_And want to live like a man from now on?_

_Then let me show you how much of a __woman you are!_

_I haven´t showed you my physical__ strength until now, but now, now I´ll show you what it means to be a man!_

_I´m fed up with living quietly near you._

I could only smile about her ridiculous defence as I pulled her towards me and pressed my lips hard against her mouth.

A hot wave of excitement mingled with my cold rage. I was never so close to her.

I had always controlled myself although I was often tempted to touch her.

I felt her warmth and the incomparable scent of her skin.

My desire swelled up and I pushed her towards the bed.

_Maybe it would have been __better you had cried for help Oscar?_

_But you were__ to proud, even for this. Because then, you would have had to confess to yourself that you´re weak. That you´re a woman._

I brutally pressed her with my body into the pillows.

_Can you feel my unmistakable excitement? You´re the only one who can __arouse such feelings deep down inside of me._

_Do you finally __realize that I´m the only one for you?_

_I want you to__ belong entirely to me, only to me._

_Your absurd struggle __excites me even more. Can´t you see that I had the edge over you?_

_That I can do __with you whatever I want?_

_And I want you entirely__, I want to possess you. I want to show you what it means to be a woman._

_So that you finally understand._

As I ripped her shirt off and exposed her breasts I came back to reality.

I found myself on Oscars bed, heavily breathing, with a piece of fabric that belongs to her shirt, in one hand and I looked down into her wide open eyes. The world turned around me.

_What had I done?_

_Was that really me who was on the verge of ravishing a woman? To hurt the person how means everything to me and for whom I would give my life?_

Bewildered I stumbled to the door and hither.

_Is this__ me?_

_Is this__ really André Grandier... or just an animal which follows his lowest instincts._

I always had enough self-control to hide my feelings, until now.

_But what was the trigger __which made this self-control fail?_

_Was it perhaps the talk with Dr. Lasonne, who told me that I would probably lose my eyesight, sooner or later?_

_That I coul__dn´t see her face ever again, the shine in her eyes?_

_Or was it the fact that Fersen was still playing a large part in her life__? That she couldn´t forget him._

_I was so angry!_

But this isn´t an excuse for my act. I have done a horrible thing. I have betrayed her, destroyed our friendship beyond repair. I can´t look into her eyes anymore, her simple presence will be unbearable for me.

The view will always be in my mind and God will make sure that this is the only thing I see when I become totally blind: The fear in her eyes, the fear of me.

I remember the days of our childhood, how she protected me from the punishment of her father, that she would have given her life for me when the former king sentenced me to death.

And I remember that I swore to myself to protect her from all harm. And now I´m the one who harmed her.

_How could I do this to the person who means everything to me?_

It seemed impossible for me to face her again.

_I pushed __a door open, the entrance to the dark side of my soul. And what I saw behind it made me shiver. Can I lock this door once more for ever?_

I stood up with a bitter sigh, cleaned the straw from my cloths and went to my horse.

After I saddled it I scaled up in order to rid to some pub to drown the events in alcohol and to daze my conscience. At least till morning.

"_Lea__stwise one feeling had Oscar for me now."_ I thought sarcastically as I rode away into the night_. "If it is not love, than at least hate."_

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**Special Thanks**:

To **Adisor **for his kind help with the translation and his suggestions about the thoughts of men


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